The Past Brings Forth the Rain
Today was a shit day. Usually Sundays are meant for snuggling on the couch, reading, laughing, resting my head in Nickolas' lap while he tickles my back and watches football. Today was supposed to be bright and sunny. No matter the weather forcast. Seattle and Denver were going to play and Nickolas was home. Finally. A day to us. A day for our leisure and laziness...
It started out well enough. Coffee and eggs for breakfast, a quick shower with a little raunchy soap play, followed by a trip to the store for some beer, Gatorade and munchies. After shopping, Nick promptly sat down for some ESPN and I took the other end of the couch, plugged in the laptop and commenced looking for a new dining room table while Nick tucked my feet under him to keep them warm. Halfway through PTI, It happened. Curious at who in the hell DragonSlayer--34 is, I click on the email. It reads:
Just thought I would drop you a line to tell you, I'M A DADDY!! Alexis Mariska was born November 30th at 2:33 PM and weighed 6 lbs 5 ounces and was 17 inches long. She looks just like her Mama, Erin and has her half- brother's dimples. My mom says she looks just like me when I was younger. She says its the beautiful blue eyes. Who knew that I would find someone to make me so happy and bless me with a gorgeous, precious baby girl! I hope you are well and that you are happy whereever you are.
All the Best,
M
...
Holy. Shit.
Fucking... what?
I realize sometimes I am prone to hystrionics. But this, this was unbearable. My chest ached, I was nauseous. It was horrible. I couldnt breathe. I couldnt fucking move. I couldnt keep the tears out of my eyes and my throat literally closed in on itsself. How and why was he emailing me this? How had he learned my email address and more importantly, what the fuck was I feeling? Nick was oblivious as I pulled my head out of the fog and left the living room, claiming I was thirsty. My head literally spun like I had downed half a bottle of vodka. I felt sick, like screaming and crying. More than anything, I wanted to cry. That feeling of just getting it all out. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I dont remember how long I was in there, the sink running like crazy, along with my mascara and my mind. How was this happening? Why was I reacting like this and why was I frantically trying to figure out why this woman was apparently everything M had needed and wanted, badly enough to give her the kids he said he could never have the desire to give me?
Nick knocked and asked if I was ok a while later. I found my voice and told him I was going to take a bath. The worry was evident in his voice, but I didnt care. All I could think about was M. I'M A DADDY! and then, thoughts and pictures of his in bed with someone else, calling her the things he used to call me, playing like some horrible movie through my head.
After an hour I came out of the bathroom and my adorable, perfect, oblivious boyfriend asked me if I needed anything. Perfect. Yes, I needed something. I just wasnt sure it was him. I went to bed. Said I had a headache. He believed me. He always believes me. Thats just Nick. He loves me. I know it. Its not even a question. But for some reason, even now, hours later, as he sleeps in the next room, all I can think about is M. M and his perfect wife named Erin and their perfect baby with beautiful blue eyes.
It started out well enough. Coffee and eggs for breakfast, a quick shower with a little raunchy soap play, followed by a trip to the store for some beer, Gatorade and munchies. After shopping, Nick promptly sat down for some ESPN and I took the other end of the couch, plugged in the laptop and commenced looking for a new dining room table while Nick tucked my feet under him to keep them warm. Halfway through PTI, It happened. Curious at who in the hell DragonSlayer--34 is, I click on the email. It reads:
Just thought I would drop you a line to tell you, I'M A DADDY!! Alexis Mariska was born November 30th at 2:33 PM and weighed 6 lbs 5 ounces and was 17 inches long. She looks just like her Mama, Erin and has her half- brother's dimples. My mom says she looks just like me when I was younger. She says its the beautiful blue eyes. Who knew that I would find someone to make me so happy and bless me with a gorgeous, precious baby girl! I hope you are well and that you are happy whereever you are.
All the Best,
M
...
Holy. Shit.
Fucking... what?
I realize sometimes I am prone to hystrionics. But this, this was unbearable. My chest ached, I was nauseous. It was horrible. I couldnt breathe. I couldnt fucking move. I couldnt keep the tears out of my eyes and my throat literally closed in on itsself. How and why was he emailing me this? How had he learned my email address and more importantly, what the fuck was I feeling? Nick was oblivious as I pulled my head out of the fog and left the living room, claiming I was thirsty. My head literally spun like I had downed half a bottle of vodka. I felt sick, like screaming and crying. More than anything, I wanted to cry. That feeling of just getting it all out. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I dont remember how long I was in there, the sink running like crazy, along with my mascara and my mind. How was this happening? Why was I reacting like this and why was I frantically trying to figure out why this woman was apparently everything M had needed and wanted, badly enough to give her the kids he said he could never have the desire to give me?
Nick knocked and asked if I was ok a while later. I found my voice and told him I was going to take a bath. The worry was evident in his voice, but I didnt care. All I could think about was M. I'M A DADDY! and then, thoughts and pictures of his in bed with someone else, calling her the things he used to call me, playing like some horrible movie through my head.
After an hour I came out of the bathroom and my adorable, perfect, oblivious boyfriend asked me if I needed anything. Perfect. Yes, I needed something. I just wasnt sure it was him. I went to bed. Said I had a headache. He believed me. He always believes me. Thats just Nick. He loves me. I know it. Its not even a question. But for some reason, even now, hours later, as he sleeps in the next room, all I can think about is M. M and his perfect wife named Erin and their perfect baby with beautiful blue eyes.
posted by PWT at 11:06 PM
3 Comments:
oh dear...how i wish just sometimes our lives would not be so damn parallel!
grief is a circular process and i would be more surprised if it did not affect you at all. allow yourself your feelings but break the cycle of being sucked back into the drama. remember that hot brit that is loving you so instead ;)
what is more frightening to me is how he got your email? scary!
bah.
i think that about sums it up.
hmmm
hit me up on email. I'll show you somthin'
...
( i see that look on your face. it's not like that. don't be a smartass. just do it. )
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